I wish my penis had an off switch
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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