so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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