A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
