The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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