So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
