you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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