the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
