I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
