Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
