Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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