i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
