Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
