my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
