Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
