wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
