So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
