Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
