if only i could text you this smell
even my farts smell like vagina
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
