I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
