I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
