mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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