Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
