All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
