Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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