The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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