You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
