Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
