Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
