sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
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You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
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She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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