A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
