I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
