Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
