I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
