I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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