Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
