There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
