I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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