Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
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Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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