if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
