were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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