I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
