I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
