I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
