The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
