well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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