You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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