I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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