i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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