i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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