Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
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We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
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Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
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