If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
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I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
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he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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