my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
