He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
