i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
